image by Mona Varichon
I started making indigo-dyed lingerie under the name,
Serpent & Bow, exactly one year ago, from a basement in New England. During
a time when my life was most chaotic (I had been ill for six months, a long way
from home), my art practice became an anchor to the ritual of learning to love
my body and feed my spirit.
image by Ryan Converse
Indigo had been a ritual of its own, something that had and
does continue to stretch and inform what an “art practice” means to me. After
helping to maintain the indigo vat at California College of the Arts while I
was a student, I found ways to continue my practice, which first meant
dedicating a corner of my bathroom to a five-gallon vat (thank you to dear
roommates for letting me do this). I can go on and on and on about what indigo
means to me, but I want to save that for another post. For now, I’ll just say that it has been the foundation for many projects under
many different names, and from these foundational projects came Serpent &
Bow.
Serpent & Bow has served as a visual manifesto of
self-discovery, more intentionally since I started “The Solitude Project/ Thirteen Moons” last June. Thirteen Moons represents the passing of a year dedicated to myself-
I decided to stop dating and start recording my relationship with myself by
creating a garment for each month, using imagery to describe my changes and
realizations. I made mostly underwear; items that were meant for me, alone, as
talismans of strength and independence. I made things that made me feel like a
warrior, that made me feel protected, that let me feel vulnerable, that
described the Self that I was getting to know and the person I was choosing to
become. I am still making the things- each month I will be making a new item to
set my intention for healing, growth, and to celebrate the experience of being
myself for another month of my life.
Thirteen Moons was a response to the desperation that began to
accumulate after I realized that I had spent ten years of my life (mostly) in
relationships, and also within a continuous pendulum of unpredictable health. I
was exhausted and disheartened by the fluctuation of my emotions and body, so I
decided to dedicate a year to my healing by creating a positive relationship to
my “flaws”, learning to greet things like illness and depression with love
instead of judgment.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life.
For a long time, I would respond to the depression with panic, knowing the
familiar weight and knowing that I could not predict when it would recede. I
looked at my sorrow as something to be fixed- something that came from an
outside force and inflicted me with pain, rather than some integral part of
myself which cried out to me; a little bell inside of me, ringing out for
my attention. I have since recognized that depression is a cyclical thing that
comes to me as a message. And it is a part of me.
There is another part of me that deeply resents being
controlled by my depression- I want to run ahead and live my life. I want to
make the library of artwork that lives within me. I long for life in constant
motion and sound; I want to cultivate a voice which flows with kindness and
generosity coming from a well of confidence and peace. I want to come to a
point of acceptance with my body and mind. I want to hear the messages sent by
sensation and thoughts and receive them without judgement. I want to be free of
fear, able to process the little creaks and pinches inside of me as my
humanity, so that I can keep living and fighting my part of the good fight.
For December
For November
Eight months in to my thirteen moons, I feel closer to myself than I
have ever felt before. I find it easier to say “Yes” and “No” and to take responsibility
for the direction of my life, within a balance of gratitude as well as strength to approach what isn’t working. As recent months have arrived, I have grown to recognize Thirteen Moons as a project existing within a short period of time, but creating the foundation of a lasting dedication to myself. I don’t feel condemned to a
year of solitude. Instead, I feel proud to consider my decisions and my body as
mine alone, claiming myself as a person who I want to know.
